


Jack Kline’s Happy Childhood

by DemonSquipster



Series: Incoherent Fandom Crack [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bela Talbot sues everyone, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Gabe Being an Asshole, Gabriel the uncle, Gabriel works for Pepsi, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jack has a strange childhood, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Lucifer is a dad, M/M, Minor Charlie Bradbury/Bela Talbot, RIP Chuck’s mug, Save Jack from a scary family tree, Selfcest!Crowley, Snoop Dogg is Death, Soft!Satan, Tessa Brooks is a reaper, Woman sues God
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-01-10 23:58:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12310590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonSquipster/pseuds/DemonSquipster
Summary: Spoilers for season 12? This unserious story takes place in an alternate universe, where all your favorite Supernatural characters (and all of your least favorite Supernatural characters) are alive again. Except Kelly Kline, because why not. Lucifer decides to raise Jack, with the help of his family, including the recently married-in Winchester family. Lucifer also soon learns that Chuck can be good with children, and Gabriel is friends with Death.This entire crack fic is just inside jokes, don’t mind that.





	1. King Jack

Lucifer shook his head. “You’re insane. You’re old after all, maybe Michael should take your place-“ he started, but Chuck interrupted. “No! I know what I saw! Your son was parading the Winchesters’ bunker, proclaiming that he was ‘King Gay Smut Man’, and he was practically nude!” Chuck whisper-yelled at his son. Lucifer paused a moment, before asking “What’s smut?” Chuck sighed. He started to explain, when Gabriel came in and said “written sex”, before leaving. “He needs time away from the internet,” Lucifer said. “No, he needs time away from Dean Winchester.”


	2. A Serious Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer reads the revised Bible to Jack, who asks where his mom is. Lucifer tries to explain, causing Jack to help his dad realize why Gabriel is a bad influence.

Lucifer turned the page. He had rewritten the Bible from his perspective, and he was now reading it to his son Jack. “Dad?” Jack asked. Of course Lucifer wasn’t a fan of the name, but it’s what Kelly wanted. “Yes, Jack?” He’d gotten used to it by now. “Where’s Mom?” Now this was a question he’d never asked before. Lucifer hesitated. Jack looked up at his father, with hopeful eyes. “Why are you asking?” Lucifer finally said something. “Grandfather Chuck told me that all children have fathers and mothers, except you, most of my uncles, and my aunts. And Uncle Dean said that I did have a mom, and that Uncle Castiel took care of her before I was born.” 

Lucifer was mad. He had hoped he could have put this conversation off longer. “Why don’t you go ask another one of your many family members, hm?” Lucifer’s mutter was loud enough for Jack to hear. “I asked Uncle Gabriel how babies were made once.” Jack’s voice went soft. This was a universe where Chuck had brought all of his angel children back. “Oh. How’d that go?” Lucifer asked, putting a bookmark in the revised Bible. “It was scary.” Jack said nothing else, before standing up and walking away. Lucifer stood up. He knew where he was going now. He was going to go ask Gabriel how babies were made.


	3. Oh my Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer asks a handful of parents some dating advice for Jack, to see when he should let Jack date. Just in case.

“Oh, my Dad. You never answered my question, Crowley,” Lucifer grinned. “What question?” Dean asked. “Well, when Crowley had me locked up in Hell, as his little pet,” the archangel shot the King of Hell a glare, “I asked him for a little Dad advice. When do you let your kids date?” Dean laughed, and Gabriel almost choked on a piece of chocolate he’d been eating. Lucifer sighed. “Gabe, Dean, you don’t understand, you’ve never had a child of your own.” Dean scoffed. “Once, yes I did. It’s complicated though. His name was Ben, by the way.” 

“Fine. Gabe, get out. This is the table of parenting.” Gabriel almost burst out into laughter. If Lucifer was looking for A+ parenting advice, this was definitely the place. At the table sat Chuck Shurley, John and Mary Winchester, Dean Winchester, Toni Bevell, Arthur Ketch, Henry Winchester, Rowena MacLeod, and Crowley. Definitely A+ parenting here. Gabriel shrugged, and walked over to the doorway, and moved just out of sight so he could eavesdrop. He couldn’t help but think to himself, ‘do you not remember how terrifying he was as a child, trying to embarrass him with baby pictures would just scare off any potential dates’. 

“You should wait until he thinks he’s ready.” Gabriel peeked his head in a little. It had been Rowena’s accent he’d heard. “You really think you can rely on a nephilim to understand romantic feelings?” Crowley’s voice was sharp, almost angry. “Obviously. Just stick him in a room with a man and a woman, see which one he prefers.” Ketch seemed pleased with his joke, but Toni didn’t. She kicked him under the table, to which he gave her a half-hearted glare in return. “Don’t let him date anyone that might try to kill him,” Mary chimed in. “Don’t let him make deals with Princes of Hell,” John huffed. “Really? Is now a good time for this?” Mary sounded exasperated, and no wonder she did. “Why just Princes of Hell? Why not extend it to Crossroads demons in general?” Henry asked. “I thought this was about dating,” Toni pointed out. “I was told there would be bacon, and I’m not really seeing that,” Chuck frowned. “You’re God, can’t you get your own bacon?” Lucifer sighed. He hadn’t gotten very much advice here. “Maybe, I don’t know, let the kid decide when he’s ready?” Dean suggested, and the group all stared at him like he was insane. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Dean was bewildered. “I didn’t know we were actually supposed to be giving advice. Bravo, Mister Winchester,” Ketch teased. “You’re an idiot,” Toni crossed her arms, sitting back in her chair. “Did you just learn this?” Ketch responded. Mary and John had been arguing about the deal with Azazel for a while now, and now Ketch and Toni were arguing. It only just occurred to Dean that Crowley had left, and Rowena had been sitting ever so quietly, surprisingly. “I still want bacon, if anyone cares,” Chuck’s voice rang over the others. There was silence for just a beat, before the arguing continued. 

Dean put his head down on the table. When he lifted his head again, Chuck sat next to him, eating bacon. He reached out for a piece, and had his hand smacked away. “Can I not have a piece?” Chuck turned to him, and I kid you not, gave him the most murderous look Dean had ever seen in his entire lifetime. “I am God. This is my bacon. I’m gay. Microwave.” And with that, Chuck stood up and left. Everyone had shut up after he said microwave. And Dean realized how powerful bacon was.


	4. SpongeBob Operation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer leaves Jack in the hands of Ketch and Mick, who decide to tell him a story about how they found themselves playing SpongeBob Operation at 3 in the morning one night.

“Sam said you’re good with kids, Mick, I’m trusting you.” Lucifer wasn’t certain about leaving Jack with them. “Jack’s old enough that we don’t need to watch his every move. We’ll be fine,” Mick assured. Lucifer nodded. “Right. I’ll be back soon, please be careful.” Lucifer never would have imagined that he would have cared so much for something that he created with a human. Or that he would create something with a human. Or even that he would trust any regular humans with his child. But he was different now. He sighed, and said bye to Jack before leaving. 

As soon as Lucifer shut the door, Jack turned to Mick and Ketch and said “Lady Bevell told me that you two are gay.” Ketch laughed, caught by surprise at the comment. “She’s not wrong,” Mick admitted. “She also said that you like to play SpongeBob Operation in Mick’s bedroom. Is that a code for something else, that Uncle Gabriel told me about?” Ketch was utterly shocked by Jack. The perception on this child amazed him. “No, no, no, it’s nothing like that. It really is SpongeBob Operation.” Jack nodded. “Uncle Gabriel also said that his reaper friend, Tessa Brooks heard you two listening to her idiot friend’s song, that she was in.” Mick sighed. “I thought Tessa said she wouldn’t tell anyone,” he turned to Ketch. “No, Nick said he wouldn’t tell anyone.” Mick frowned a little. “I was ceetain it was Tessa.” Ketch shook his head. “Can you tell me about how you played SpongeBob Operation?” Jack asked. “Of course. It was a dark night, months ago.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Still… a bit unprofessional.” The Brit pointed out. “We’ll handle it. Let’s get.” Sam interrupted, and Ketch caught the glare being shot at him from Dean. Ketch shared a look with Mick, who noticed the dubious look that Castiel gave the two. ‘They don’t trust us,’ Mick thought. The two turned away, and headed back toward Mick’s car. Neither of them said anything until they got into the car. “You just ruined any sort of trust we gathered.” Mick’s voice was sharp, annoyed.

Arthur laughed, but there was no humor in his tone. “Don’t you think Toni already ruined that for us?” Mick huffed. “It’s fine, my dear. They were at least willing to contact us for help,” Arthur pointed out, sitting in the driver’s seat. Mick was in the passenger’s seat. “That was without Sam or Dean. That was Castiel’s doing. We’re not trying to recruit Castiel, we’re trying to recruit Sam and Dean.” Mick slouched in his seat, his arms crossed. “And Missus Winchester,” Arthur added. He sighed when Mick didn’t respond. “You’re pouting like a child.” Mick muttered under his breath, something along the lines of ‘isn’t that how you always act?’ 

Arthur rolled his eyes, and turned back to the road, starting the car. “We’ll have to explain why we ‘borrowed’ a satellite,” he said minutes later, to break the overwhelming quietness. “Why don’t you do that? I always do the explaining.” A beat of silence. “And because Hess favors you.” Arthur let out a huff of laughter. “No, she doesn’t.” The car was moving now, heading back toward the British Men of Letters headquarters. “Yes she does! Have you not heard the way she speaks to me, over the way she speaks to you? Or even Toni?” 

Arthur was certain that Mick was just exaggerating to be dramatic. “Is there a difference?” If there was, he’d never heard it before. “When we get back, how about we call her? Hm?” Mick’s tone irritated Arthur, but he wasn’t about to argue with the shorter male. “Fine. We’ll call her. And I’ll say I told you so when she doesn’t talk to you any differently than she does me.” Mick scoffed. “Do you have a problem with that?” Arthur raised an eyebrow, glancing between the road and Mick. “I do have a problem, but my problem’s with you. You always have to be right. Always. Do you know how sick and tired I am of that?” 

This was ridiculous, they were bickering like an old married couple. Arthur didn’t reply, and Mick turned toward his window in response. Not too terribly long after, they finally arrived. They headed towards the quarters, built so the British Men of Letters operatives wouldn’t have to sleep in hotels. Heading into Arthur’s, Mick shut the door behind them. They sat down on the bed together, and Arthur pulled out his phone. “Do you have her on speed-dial?” Mick asked, almost laughing. “Well- n- shut up.” 

After trying to reach her number twice on both Mick and Arthur’s phones, they gave up. “Well that was eventful,” Mick joked. “Well, since we’re both in here, I have an idea of what we can do.” Arthur grinned, leaning toward Mick. “Oh?” Mick was confused, but curious. “How about... a rematch of Operation that you said you’d play back at Kendricks, but never actually followed through on that?” Yes, because that’s definitely a normal thing to ask, and that’s definitely what Mick was expecting. “You actually still remember that?” Mick was about to burst out into laughter. 

“You really think I’d forget something so important?” Now Mick was laughing, and by the time Arthur stood up and grabbed a SpongeBob Operation box, tossing it next to Mick, his sides hurt from laughter. Wiping away tears, he sat back up. “Why SpongeBob?” Mick finally brought himself to ask. “Because I said so. Now-“ he was interrupted by more laughter. Just the way he said ‘because I said so’ made him laugh. “Are you going to do this the whole game? Because I will get through this game, whether I have to lock you in the closet to do it.” Arthur was completely serious. “No, please, I was in the closet for years, I can’t go back,” Mick grinned. “Hilarious, you’re a comedian.”

Mick silently watched as Arthur set up the game, looking much more focused than he had expected. Just then he realized that Arthur was being serious about this game. “No, but really, was there something about this bloody sponge that stood out to you?” Mick held up the box’s cover. “It might have been the fact that Toni and I argued for a few minutes over whether to get Finding Dory or Star Wars.” Mick was even more bewildered than before. “Neither of those are SpongeBob though.” He didn’t even realize that Arthur had said ‘Toni and I’, meaning that the two of them had taken the time to sit together and discuss this. “Exactly.” 

“So you and Toni are friends now? It’s hard to keep up with your relationship.” Arthur thought about it for a moment. “Well, for one hour a week, yes.” Mick was confused again. “Hm?” Arthur chuckled. “We meet for tea, once a week. We just sit together and talk. It’s hard not to argue with such a neurotic, overreaching time bomb like herself. But I manage,” he shrugged. “So did you buy this,” Mick struggled not to laugh,” SpongeBob Operation during one of these.. hours?” Arthur’s face was red, he realized how ridiculous this all sounded. “No, actually. We planned to go during one of our hours though, if that counts for anything.” 

Mick nodded. “Ah.” He shifted off of his leg, which started to hurt. “So. You’ve been wanting to play for a while, I guess. Let’s play then.” They ended up making it through without Mick laughing over the fact that it was SpongeBob - but he did joke around, and couldn’t help but laugh. In the end, Mick ended up winning. And Arthur challenged him to another rematch. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wow. That’s pretty weird,” Jack admitted. “That’s so very nice of you to say,” Ketch remarked sarcastically. “What about Tessa Brooks? And Nick Crompton?” Jack wanted to hear more about these things, Lucifer never talked about it and Uncle Gabriel kinda spooked him. “That’s a story for another time,” Mick chuckled. Jack understood. He stood up, and got ready to head off to the room that Uncle Castiel gave him, because Uncle Castiel stayed in the same room as Uncle Dean now. “Arthur?” He turned around. “Hm?” Ketch’d gotten used to most everyone calling him by his last name, only Toni, Chuck, and Mick bothered anymore. “Did you really accidentally break a toy, and had to buy it because Lady Bevell told you to?” Ketch sighed. “Yes. I set it on fire with a blowtorch.” Jack grinned. “I wish I could have been there to see it.”


	5. Woman Sues God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of the long trail of Bela Talbot sueing everyone. 
> 
> "Yes, I would like to file a lawsuit against Chuck- um, Chuck... something. I don't remember his last name. I want to sue him for letting hellhounds kill me."  
> "Yes, yes, I know I'm alive, he brought me back later. It's complicated."

“You can’t sue Heaven.” Chuck shook his head, taking a drink out of his World’s Greatest Dad mug. “Fine, then I’ll sue you.” Bela crossed her arms. ‘Why did I bring her back?,’ Chuck pondered, taking another drink. “You can’t sue me either. Woman Sues God doesn’t exactly look good in court.” He had a point, and Bela thought for a moment. She looked over to Charlie, who didn’t want to get into this argument. ‘Carver Edlund,’ Charlie mouthed. Bela smiled smugly, and said “I’ll sue Carver Edlund.” Chuck laughed. “That’s just my alias for my alias.” Bela frowned, and turned back to Charlie. The latter shrugged. She knew the name, it was on the tip of her tongue. ‘Chuck?,’ she mouthed. “It’s Chuck something, right? At least give me a clue.” Bela had a slight whining tone to her voice. “Nope.” Chuck stood up, and walked off, leaving his mug behind. Amara appeared out of nowhere on the table, kicking the mug. The mug landed on the ground, without a single scratch. “It broke last time,” Amara pointed out. “I know,” Chuck grinned. That’s how Chuck Shurley, aka God, created the world’s unbreakable mug and made a million dollars off of it.


	6. Ketchvies fluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to write some Ketchvies fluff, because I love shipping Ketch and Mick.

Mick felt a shiver pass through him, as he pulled the blanket closer to him. He’d been laying there for about three hours, and he’d decided that he wasn’t going to be getting any sleep that night. It’d been freezing inside, and he wasn’t sure he could handle the tension outside by the fire. Dean wanting to kill Arthur, Arthur wanting to kill Mary, Mary wanting to kill Toni, Toni wanting to kill Sam, while Castiel talked to Jack, and Mick sat there silently. It was too much for him. He pretended to sleep when he could hear footsteps outside the door. The door opened with a slight creak, and Mick heard a quiet sigh come from by the door after it shut again. 

The footsteps were as well-known as the sigh, and he knew who it was. Even before he felt the all-too-familiar weight push down on the bed next to him. He accidentally let out a shaky breath, inconsistent with the rest of his breaths. “You’re still awake?” Arthur’s voice was soft, tired. “Yeah,” Mick nodded a little. Arthur scooted closer to him, wrapping an arm over his side, and wrapping the other under Mick’s head. Arthur’s heat spread to Mick, who couldn’t help but smile a little. The taller Brit smelt like a campfire, warm under a cold Autumn night. 

Mick giddily scooted closer, bringing Arthur closer around him. He’d known him for such a long time, yet in his eyes, not long enough. With Arthur gone hunting all the time, he wasn’t ever around when Mick fell asleep. Of course he noticed when he’d fallen asleep one night at his desk while filling out a report, back in England, and he woke up in his bed, wrapped in a blanket. Arthur’d been sleeping in the same bed as him for years, so it had been no surprise that when he woke up that morning, a while ago, Arthur was there. But he was surprised at the fact that Arthur had gone through the trouble of moving him to the bed, to help him sleep better. 

Arthur’s head rested by Mick’s, and the latter could hear him yawn. Mick rolled over, to face Arthur. He rested his head against his chest. Somewhere among smelling breaths of pine needles and burning logs, embracing Arthur, and greeting his warmth, he fell asleep. He ended up sleeping somewhat peacefully, something he hadn’t done in a while. No dreams, which also meant no nightmares. 

When he woke up, his head rested against Arthur’s rising chest like it was a pillow, since sometime last night, Arthur’d rolled onto his back. The blanket wrapped both of them together. Mick laid there as Arthur slept, not wanting to move, as to not wake him up. He looked peaceful, Mick didn’t want to ruin that. He listened to the sound of Arthur’s steady heartbeat. As long as that vessel pumped, Mick would be satisfied. He didn’t know what he’d do if... he couldn’t even begin to start to form the end of the sentence. 

Thump. Thump. Thump. He wasn’t sure if he’d fallen back asleep, or if he’d just layed there, listening to Arthur’s heartbeat. Arthur’d shifted a little, and Mick sat up to let him move. “Mick, dear, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Arthur murmured. “It’s okay, I was already awake,” Mick laughed a little. Arthur smiled back. “I like it when you smile.” Mick’s face turned a light red. Arthur turned back to face Mick, and Mick laid back down. They embraced each other, and laid there together, for who knows how long. Eventually they decided to get up. But Mick wanted it to last longer, he wanted to be with Arthur for longer. But maybe it was asking too much.


	7. Crowley’s New Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley finds out he’s in love.

“You make me feel strong. Powerful. I’ve never met anyone who I’ve connected with the way I’ve connected with you. I just feel a myriad of emotions around you. You’re the only thing keeping me sane around here, keeping me tethered to this true form of Hell that everyone calls Earth,” Crowley said, emotionally. A few tears streamed down his face. “Are you talking to the mirror again, Crowley?” Lucifer’s voice echoed through the hall. “No!” Crowley put the sheet back over the full-body mirror, and stormed away. He slammed the door behind him, as Lucifer’s laughter rang through the bunker. Sam shook his head. “Why are you two still here?” Dean scoffed. “Why are they here at all?”


	8. The Creation of Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into the teamwork between Lucifer and God, which would assist in creating some of Earth’s most beloved animals.

"Cow bears." Lucifer shot the being a confused look. "What?" Chuck sighed. "Did I stutter?" The angel didn't know how to answer. "Take a cow and make it a bear." Chuck explained. A cow bear. "We'll also call them pandas." Chuck added, and Lucifer was completely bewildered. Pandas.... cow bears. But Lucifer did as Chuck asked, and pandas came to life. "Now, a new animal. Make it like a brown peacock." 'A peacock? Oh, right, yes,' Lucifer had to remind himself of what a peacock looked like. "Anything else?" Lucifer asked. "Hang a bag on its face. It should be called... a turkey." Chuck shrugged. Lucifer did as he asked, and the turkey came to life. "Now, make an insect that does karate." Chuck ordered, and Lucifer did. "Okay." The angel nodded. "Now make it bite her husband's head off." Lucifer shot his father a shocked, yet worried look. "Dude, we need to talk." Lucifer frowned. "Later. The insect shall be called... the praying mantis. Now, how about an evil bag? We shall call it a jellyfish." Chuck smiled at the creations. Lucifer created the jellyfish, as Chuck commanded. "Now, a cat dog with jaws of steel." Chuck said, and Lucifer made it. He thought this one was actually quite beautiful. "Sweet." He said softly. "But it laughs like Fran Drescher." Chuck added, and Lucifer cocked an eyebrow. Fran Drescher? Lucifer knew that was some kind of reference that he didn’t understand yet, but what even was a ‘Fran Drescher’? "What's wrong with you?" Lucifer scoffed, but added the laugh. It completely ruined the animal, he thought. "Don't speak to your father like that. One more animal. Hm, I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces." Chuck pondered, and Lucifer grinned. Oh, this was something he knew. He created an insect with a long tube on its face. "It bites the humans and makes them itch as it sucks up their filthy blood." Lucifer chuckled. "Perfect. We'll call it... a mosquito." Chuck nodded, and Lucifer let it fall gracefully down to Earth with the rest of the animals.


End file.
